the grand scale.

i recently confronted a family member about her critical and nonconstructive judgments, which she was passing to friends of mine behind my back. it’s all got me thinking about, well, life. on a grand scale.

i spend much time thinking about what i am not. what i am not doing, wearing, thinking, feeling, learning, experiencing. what i am missing. what makes me not as good, full, happy, vibrant, as everybody else. why i am not enough. this thinking weaves itself into a poison lattice that lays over too much of my spirit, too much of the time.

in defending some parts of my life, i was forced to think about what i am – to think about what is here and present, the positive, instead of the holes, the gaps, the negatives i am usually preoccupied with. the parts of me and my life that are good, abundant, joyful. the idea that not everything has to be sparkly rainbow unicorns all the time to be great. that possibly, it’s safe to be satisfied with what i have.

my goal has never been happiness. happiness, to me, is reserved for special occasions – a kiss with something real behind it, finding an awesome food truck, playing in sprinklers. it is fleeting. it is a lovely place to seek or stumble upon, but it’s not my goal to live in its glow.

i seek contentedness. a neat home, a tasty, fresh dinner, a video game and laughs. a sigh of “this is really cool, and i feel peaceful”. i fear true satisfaction – i fear that it will make me lazy, thoughtless, mindless. that there will be nothing to strive for. perhaps it’s time for me to absorb that these are not mutually exclusive concepts, that there is no end of the road. my world will not fall apart or implode if i choose to breathe, to smile, to think everything is ok.

yes, i think these are the things i need to know, now.

4 thoughts on “the grand scale.

  1. “my world will not fall apart or implode if i choose to breathe, to smile, to think everything is ok.”

    That. That’s worth holding on to, no matter what anyone says. It’s true and you’re right.


  2. I was thinking about this again last night… Thinking about when I was so afraid of hope… Things were so bad for so long, and so many hopes were dashed so many times that hope turned into a dirty word for me… partially because things only got so bad because I was totally living in hope instead of reality…
    And now I’m pretty afraid of ending up in that ugly nonreality hope cycle.
    But I think what you’ve described here is good.
    Even when hope is sort of scary and evil, that doesn’t mean you can’t stop right now and acknowledge when things are okay. Yes, that could go away, but right now, it’s nice. And that’s good.

  3. This is very wise. I hate that anyone put you in position to defend your life, but at least you know yourself and your own priorities, which is more than a lot of people can truly say.

    As for fearing the complacency that comes with satisfaction–it’d never happen. Complacency has a life span with a definite ending. It’s part of being human that we will eventually want more. Even people whose religions tell them to avoid earthly desires struggle with that throughout their lives, so have no fear. You will not become lazy and new horizons will always reveal themselves. Pinky swear.

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