I don’t want to call it a struggle, because I haven’t been fighting. I’ve been lying limp in a corner of the ring, I gave up in too many ways. I haven’t been able to figure out where to go and what to do so I’ve done nothing. I have existed, and I have done so in turmoil and pain. And now, I want it to stop.
It dawned on me today that I’ve experienced loss, and that I’ve been grieving. Or that I’ve needed to grieve, and I haven’t done so. This is a semi-miraculous revelation for me. I didn’t realize that there was even a word for what I was experiencing, that perhaps my experience was shared. That the slow numbness and disconnection that’s settled over my life had a definable reason – I knew the reason, of course, but I didn’t know the magic word that connected the reason to the feeling. Grief. Loss. These, perhaps, I can work with.
Last week I did something that I’ve been afraid to do for over a year. I remember talking to the actress about it a long time ago. I’ve been following the comings and goings and opportunities presented by Stratejoy. I was attracted to several of Molly’s openings and offerings, but I never clicked purchase. I’d tell myself it was hokey, that I shouldn’t need any sort of self help anything. I ignored evidence like the amazing women that have served as guest bloggers on the Stratejoy website. Some time back, Molly posted some really smart shit on positive psychology… and I thought, “well, maybe this is legit. This stuff is well thought out and makes a lot of sense. It even seems scientific.” Still, I held back – none of the course offerings seemed right for me, and I was entirely too terrified to apply for a guest blogger spot (I was sure I’d be rejected, and still think I would be). Then, it popped into my twitter feed. A group coaching course on Fierce Self Love and Inner Confidence.
And before I even tell you about it, I have to confess my intense fear of a) participating in this group, where I will work on myself outside of the comfort of my privacy and reveal stuff about me and my life to a life coach and seven strangers and b) my fear at revealing that I’m doing this. That I need something like this. That I am not just able to handle all of my emotional shit on my own and be amazing. That I need help.
So yes, friends, Internet, I stand before you and declare that I really need this, or something, and this is what I’ve chosen to be that something. And it came to me, while mulling over how afraid I am, that it would take a cruel person, or would at the very least be a cruel act, to judge someone who is standing up and admitting vulnerability and a need for help. Facets of my life and my history inform and validate my mental state, I promise you. Life as a human possessing a soul can be mighty rough. Sometimes we need some triage.
Succinctly, fuck the haters.
I want to learn how to love my life – to build a life I can love. To actually work through, process, and absolve myself of my losses, my tragedies. To think myself valuable and worthwhile. I kept waiting for these answers and its finally sunk in that they are definitely not falling out of the sky, and maybe I need some guidance to figure them out.
I remember when I was job hunting and i was fully thrilled with the possibilities in front of me. I was shot through with the most intense happiness at the idea of choice and growth. Every day, I was thrilled. I want to feel that way again – but about life.
So here’s to turning a page.