turning pages

I don’t want to call it a struggle, because I haven’t been fighting. I’ve been lying limp in a corner of the ring, I gave up in too many ways. I haven’t been able to figure out where to go and what to do so I’ve done nothing. I have existed, and I have done so in turmoil and pain. And now, I want it to stop.

It dawned on me today that I’ve experienced loss, and that I’ve been grieving. Or that I’ve needed to grieve, and I haven’t done so. This is a semi-miraculous revelation for me. I didn’t realize that there was even a word for what I was experiencing, that perhaps my experience was shared. That the slow numbness and disconnection that’s settled over my life had a definable reason – I knew the reason, of course, but I didn’t know the magic word that connected the reason to the feeling. Grief. Loss. These, perhaps, I can work with.

Last week I did something that I’ve been afraid to do for over a year. I remember talking to the actress about it a long time ago. I’ve been following the comings and goings and opportunities presented by Stratejoy. I was attracted to several of Molly’s openings and offerings, but I never clicked purchase. I’d tell myself it was hokey, that I shouldn’t need any sort of self help anything. I ignored evidence like the amazing women that have served as guest bloggers on the Stratejoy website. Some time back, Molly posted some really smart shit on positive psychology… and I thought, “well, maybe this is legit. This stuff is well thought out and makes a lot of sense. It even seems scientific.” Still, I held back – none of the course offerings seemed right for me, and I was entirely too terrified to apply for a guest blogger spot (I was sure I’d be rejected, and still think I would be). Then, it popped into my twitter feed. A group coaching course on Fierce Self Love and Inner Confidence.

And before I even tell you about it, I have to confess my intense fear of a) participating in this group, where I will work on myself outside of the comfort of my privacy and reveal stuff about me and my life to a life coach and seven strangers and b) my fear at revealing that I’m doing this. That I need something like this. That I am not just able to handle all of my emotional shit on my own and be amazing. That I need help.

So yes, friends, Internet, I stand before you and declare that I really need this, or something, and this is what I’ve chosen to be that something. And it came to me, while mulling over how afraid I am, that it would take a cruel person, or would at the very least be a cruel act, to judge someone who is standing up and admitting vulnerability and a need for help. Facets of my life and my history inform and validate my mental state, I promise you. Life as a human possessing a soul can be mighty rough. Sometimes we need some triage.

Succinctly, fuck the haters.

I want to learn how to love my life – to build a life I can love. To actually work through, process, and absolve myself of my losses, my tragedies. To think myself valuable and worthwhile. I kept waiting for these answers and its finally sunk in that they are definitely not falling out of the sky, and maybe I need some guidance to figure them out.

I remember when I was job hunting and i was fully thrilled with the possibilities in front of me. I was shot through with the most intense happiness at the idea of choice and growth. Every day, I was thrilled. I want to feel that way again – but about life.

So here’s to turning a page.

7 thoughts on “turning pages

  1. This might sound weird coming from someone you only know from the internets, but I’m proud of you! Last year I had to search out some help to get my life back on track, and to deal with feeling overwhelmingly stressed out and sad a lot. Taking that action is brave and strong. I hope the course is awesome for you!

  2. There are times when we all need to step out of our zone and admit we need help, be it ‘self help’ or any kind of help. It’s equally scary and intimidating. You’re not alone in feeling intimidated but I’m very proud to read that you’re taking the steps. Just know that you aren’t actually taking them alone. We’re behind you too. 🙂

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