so my group is over. our last call was last night and i am legit sad about it. i’ll miss my new friends, though we’ve vowed to stay in touch through our blogs, the facebook group molly set up for us, and of course, the twitters, as i like to refer to them. molly, by the way, is a new hero of mine. i don’t really have heroes, so this is kind of a big deal, but i think she’s fucking incredible.
i’m inspired to write about many of the things that we covered. and many things we didn’t. one at a time though, i suppose.
i bought a private journal. actually, the actress bought it for me as a birthday present, and i got to pick it out. it’s been a very long time since i attempted to journal outside of the public sphere – it was never about exhibitionism, but i just adjusted to the medium. my closest friends were here. any new friends i could make were here. i wasn’t afraid. i have grown some fear, that i’m working valiantly on getting over – but the real thing is, i need a space that’s free of pressure. the pressure of improvement, of positivity, of creating art. some have called me a writer and i have a difficult time claiming the title, but i would be hard pressed to say i have not found some of my deepest creative release with the written word. i need a space where it’s ok to write without metaphor, without regard for what people might think. i love my little journal. i picked a design that’s very me but also steps a little outside of my comfort zone in its design. i love exploring myself, uninhibited, in its pages.
there’s more to come, about a lot that’s gone down in my head and my world in the past few weeks. for now though, it’s time to go write in my little journal.
“it’s been a very long time since i attempted to journal outside of the public sphere – it was never about exhibitionism, but i just adjusted to the medium.”
This. I kept a written journal my junior year of high school. I censored myself a lot, but it was amazing to be able to go back and look at it and see my thoughts, my private thoughts, right there on the page. I’ve bought a few since, but have yet to make the attempt. I salute you. <3
thank you, love. i encourage you to just sit down and do it. so liberating to write just for you. and no censoring! to be able to be unfiltered is like a magical gift. use it <3
Good for you. I am so happy your course worked out the way it did–these things can be so random. And I have seen so many testimonials about similar courses, but I trust a statement like this from you.
It’s going to sound strange coming from a woman who just shredded ten years’ worth of journal ravings, but I also think it’s wonderful that you have a paper notebook to fill. Especially now that you have ideas for ways to fill it that are going to take you forward. I hope you will use it to death and let it serve its purpose. I once brought a group of students to hear a presentation/workshop by a famous Southwestern writer. She picked up one of the girls’ journals–it was very fancy and faux-leather covered and southwest-y looking–and held it up to the group and said This, this is a writer. And she ticked me off because those kids were poor and most of them had very basic notebooks, but the ones who were writing down what they needed to write down filled ’em the fuck up. And that is what makes a writer, or a communicator, or a human being–what they put in the book. The cover can take you so far, it can set your mood when you pick it up, but the rest of it is all you. And I think it’s awesome.
i can’t tell you how much i always appreciate your comments, kim. thank you for your encouragement. i think it’s all part of a long process; you purge the thoughts from your brain and eventually maybe you need to purge the pages from your life – but you can’t actually shred thoughts directly (and it might be uber-painful to try). the prompts i’m working on are really positive and growth focused – but i too, have had the pages/documents full of angsty pain-rage-sadness. i agree completely with your thoughts on the design/cover – the thing with me is (i’ve written about it before, in probably vague terms) – i have actual problems picking designs for things that are representative of me – if that makes any sense at all. i feel like i *should* like x, y, or z or like i need to keep it plain and i’m not entitled to something pretty. that sounds super insane. it’s special to me, to choose something i like just because i like it…alright. now i’m going to go try to find the sanity bus and board it 🙂
You are phenomenal.
I LOVE that you love your journal. I love that you HAVE your journal to freely express, unemcumbered by any pressure whatsoever.
Write your tushi off.