i have difficulty dreaming.
not at night. i actually, recently, have had a very easy time dreaming at night, and i often wake up in various states of confused deep thought at what’s going on in my dreams. this, i believe, is a result of getting a nice healthy chunk of sleep every night – i need my 7-8 hours. this is all an aside though.
i have difficulty having dreams for my life. i never thought beyond what i should do, what was prescribed into my path. well – that’s not completely true. i did, as a teenager, dream of being thin and beautiful in my 20s, magically not working and having an amazing apartment in manhattan, and going out to fancy restaurants and sexily dancing the night away in the hottest clubs every night. all in the latest hip couture, of course. look, we all have varying levels of depth, ok? mostly, i just really needed some fun. moving along.
one of the things we covered in my course was permission and even encouragement to dream. all very much fueled by a “you’re worth it” mentality, and i’m making it sound much more trite than it is. but seriously. you get this life. it is all you get. you get a day, the same day everyone does, and you choose what you do. you can chain yourself to things you do not want or you can be free. true freedom is terrifying – i have felt it through my bones. but these, these are the facts.
i see life lists on other blogs and i will admit that i’ve scoffed. lists and i do a strange tango wherein i am madly in love with them and soundly terrified of them. what if you do not finish and you are then obviously a complete failure. but that is just a lie i tell myself out of fear. and it is not a crime to have a dream.
so i am beginning to. i dream of flying first class on an airplane one day. i dream of seeing the northern lights, and the california redwoods. i dream of making a living by baking or crafting. i dream of being a professional powerhouse and making a name for myself in the world of nonprofit tech. i dream of turning this blog into a real success – making new connections and friends. i dream of friends, a marriage, children – not right now, but not too far into the future either.
it actually makes me dizzy to acknowledge these things in writing. it is unheard of for me to think about something possible without shutting it down mentally within seconds. but i think i really like this new way of looking at things.
Quite, quite proud of you for the bravery to state your dreams. It’s somewhat terrifying. Especially living in the world we’ve lived in where dreaming beyond practicality feels like frivolity. It’s hard to allow yourself middle ground. But the thing about dreams, is that not fulfilling them doesn’t make you a failure. At least you dreamed them. At least you tried. It’s never giving dreams a shot that’s just a waste of time.
I want to hear much much more about this course. I also really really like your new way of thinking about things. 🙂
thank you for your kindness and thoughts, my friend. you shall hear all about it.
Hear, hear, darling! And isn’t it about time! I’m not a list person in that, I feel they mock me when I am sleeping and not working tirelessly to cross things off it, but I have dreams. I always have had them and if anyone asks me, I can trot them out without hesitation.
Since this course, I see you coming out of your shell bit by bit. This excites me, much because when I come and visit, I’ll have this brashy, bold broad to show me about town and with which to create memories. I love this. And I love you ♥
much love back at you! i am enjoying peeking out of the shell – it’s a little scary but mostly invigorating. i promise you the time of your life when you come to visit. for serious.
I have always resisted making a list because I feel like I want so few things and it would be shamefully short. And then you put yours in a paragraph and it did not feel like a list at all, because everything hopeful was not in a line to be crossed off. It was just there in a coherent collection of thoughts, and it is inspiring. I can do this.
Thank you.
YES – there is little that i have “always dreamt of”. my thoughts were always on the present rather than the future – or the past. nevertheless – even if the list/paragraph IS short, i think it’s important to hold on to. all the easier to accomplish, right?