an excerpt.

y’all know i hopped on the stratejoy bandwagon this year. i’ve done two courses with molly and also have the journal prompts, which i’m woefully behind on (and i’m forgiving myself for that. forgiving. right now. see, i have learned things!). it’s been a rather transformational experience.

for a very long time, i can see now, i did not want joy. and even now, i waver. that may (will probably) seem silly to you folk at home but – well, we are all different, right? for a long time i thought the only way to be beautiful or to have depth was to be tragic. for a long time i thought i wasn’t made for happiness or joy or anything positive at all – i thought it was in my bones to be darker than that. i side-eyed positivity with an envious glare, but a glare nonetheless. i thought that joy was pinkness and asinine quotes and essentially trite, and i wanted no part of it because i was better than that, or because really, it was terrifying.

to be open to happiness is frightening. it means leaving a dark little cave that is dark and little but also quite comfortable, because we are creatures that consider comfort to be what we know. it means trying, and changing. it means being prepared for disappointment. it means work, guys, it really does.

i hesitate in saying that i am fully ready, and fully open. i am still afraid, tentative. but i, at the very least, will proudly declare my tentativeness. i speak often of chains of my own making and this, this commitment to pain, was one of them. and i don’t feel it anymore. i know now that it is a choice, and that i, like anyone else, can choose something else.

in order to do the courses and prompts, i needed a journal – something the actress got me for my birthday. another pretty notebook from my friend kim over at the deep old desk is supplementing with some other work. the latest course i did involved several free writing exercises, and as i was looking over it the other night, i couldn’t even remember writing this. but i love it, so here, i share.

the question was, what is it time for?

it is time to be unafraid. it is time to let go of expectations. it is time to leap forward. it is time to laugh. be a force. stride. learn and explore without hesitation. light up. light it all on fire. dance. exist purely. let it all shine. let go of the prickly layer. stop hurting. time for real love. burst forth.

6 thoughts on “an excerpt.

  1. I am reiterating this, but…it really is something to watch you trying so hard. I appreciate it. I am grateful for your efforts (which sounds awkward and slightly condescending maybe, but I totally don’t mean it like that).

    I’m happy you’re putting in the work to be happy, to be a better you. I like the you I know, I like the idea of you being the bestest you, the most you.

    I often say that the pain of healing is different, better, cleaner than the pain of infection. I believe it.

    When I started school (which represented for me a kind of process of achievement/leaving the past behind/improving myself), I had to learn to be myself without the tragic baggage (or, with the ability to reflect on it rather than let it weigh me down at all times) and it was hard. It IS hard. It feels safe to stagnate, in many ways.

    all this to say: I’m glad to see you doing a number of things that make you more open and happier. <3

  2. It can really be hard to be open to joy. I totally get it. It’s somehow easier to just be tragic (I like that word) – because getting your hopes up just feels like you are opening yourself up to be disappointed. But it’s so worth it. So much.

  3. YES. yes!
    this: to be open to happiness is frightening. it means leaving a dark little cave that is dark and little but also quite comfortable, because we are creatures that consider comfort to be what we know. it means trying, and changing. it means being prepared for disappointment. it means work, guys, it really does.
    yes.

  4. “To be open to happiness is frightening.” — Yes, yes, yes. To realize you haven’t been open to happiness, or that you do not even quite know what makes you happy, is frightening too. Following your joyous journey has been such a treat. Burst forth sounds perfect about now.

  5. You have it in you to have all that you desire. I have only known you for a short time now but I have no doubt that you can make this happen for yourself. good luck in this new year and I can’t wait to see all your dreams come true.

  6. Applause! For every SINGLE bit of this, especially the acknowledgment of how hard it can be to let the happiness in. I do think there are some people who have easier access to their joy kitty-door and the rest of us have to pry nails out of ours with the claw of a hammer. Also, I am excited by the notion that the notebook is being put to good use.

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