reverb 11: fear.

prompt: what scared you more than anything else? what did you learn about yourself?

again with the disclaimer of, i won’t pick one of anything. too overwhelming for my december stressed out brain.
(also, i’m sort of having a bad night. this colors my results. fair warning)

i am afraid that i don’t know how to operate any other way than alone. i fear i cannot be a partner.

i fear my relationship is falling apart.

i fear that my old hurts have finally caught up with me and had the effect they always should have, and that i’ve lost the real ability to connect. i fear i am entirely too much show, and not enough substance.

i fear that i will never, never be like the rest of you, with lives and plans and things to do and families and happiness. i fear i am playacting, all the time. that i am living an imitation life. i fear that i am incapable, and that i will forever be running on a treadmill, trying, and failing, to keep up.

i fear that i am not worthy.

i fear that i am doomed to only adhere myself to those who will drag me down.

all of these things grip me almost every day.

i learned that no matter what fear of mine comes to fruition, i will stand up when it’s over.

i learned that in order to do something, you just have to stop thinking, get up, and do it. movement requires movement. it seems so simple – and it is not.

i learned that every single move we make is a choice.

 

 

7 thoughts on “reverb 11: fear.

  1. I honestly share sooo many of these fears. I think it is hard. I think we all have these innate fears that can either paralyze or mobilize us. You are right. Every move is a choice. Sometimes it is hard to take that first step. Damn hard. The important thing is to take it and step over the fear. I hope you can see how wonderful you are and how much we enjoy reading your words and thoughts. We are all in this together whether we reveal our fears or not. Hugs to you.

  2. I fear I can’t adequately express how “with you” I am on, like, EVERYTHING on your list…..keep shining your light on them. There are lots of us out here with our own flashbulbs, trying to slay similar demons. My fist is in the air, still, with solidarity, sister.

  3. It’s pretty universal, even for those of us that have been doing this for awhile. So many days, so many times I wish I had a do-over. I don’t know if it helps to know that so many of us feel this way, or if it’s just really, really sad. I guess that the good news is that we are rarely as bad at all of this as we think we are.

    You expressed it beautifully, and gave such a poignant voice to these feelings.

  4. I’m willing to bet 99% of ‘us’ can nod our heads in solidarity to all of what you’ve said. This has been a big year for me and while I might have written this post last year, I wouldn’t have written it the space I’m inhabiting now. Not that those fears are no longer there but simply that I don’t let them interfere with living. I’ve accepted that I’m a complicated amalgam of good and bad and right and wrong, of strengths and of weaknesses but no one of those things defines ME. More to the point, ALL of us are all of these things just in different proportions. I’m no “better” or “worse” than you are and I’m not going to waste any more of my precious time obsessing over the many ways in which we differ. I have many challenges and certainly relationships are one of them but I will work on that, if and when I choose to work on that in my own way and when I’m not actively working on it, I will no longer obsess over those negative thoughts. I realize this entire comment kind of boils down to “don’t worry about it” and I know that’s just a silly thing to say because if it was that easy it wouldn’t have taken me 40 years to get to this point. But, after months of intensive navel gazing there was a single a-ha moment for me this year that truly turned this stuff around for me and allowed me to let go of so much of the negative stuff and simply get on with living. I think we all have unique voyages that will take us to that point and I sincere hope for you is that you find a way to get there faster than I did. 😉

  5. yep.
    these things are scary.
    I guess the good news is, a#1)you are really really not alone in these fears – including (and maybe especially) the bit about never being like the “rest of us”… ironic, huh?
    And b#2)you’re really really right about the part where you are totally able to stand right back up again. Better than I could, I think. Better than most of us. You’re a tough cookie.

    These facts don’t necessarily make the scary bits less scary… but still. Good to know.

  6. i fear that i will never, never be like the rest of you

    This is brave of you to say, and it is just as right as it is wrong, because anyone who does not know this fear is not living in the world. You *are* like the rest of us, at least the other people I know, because I don’t know a single person who doesn’t feel like they’ve been playacting from time to time. And you are so, so right about stopping the obsessive thinking and getting up.

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