but it’s different this time.

side note: i am having a really problem not “shit girls say”-ifying everything in my head. like that right up there. but it’s different this time.

i’ve done this before. i’ve hopped on the healthy train, i’ve sworn off x, y, or z. i’ve told myself i will exercise every day or 3x per week or something. i have always failed, within a month.

last week i went to a zumba class, with a groupon i bought with some coworkers. it was so fun, but also, kind of torturous. i hadn’t had to really look at myself in a mirror in a long time, in stretchy workout clothes. i had not really seen myself and shit. myself didn’t really look like myself.

i am a size 12. i am probably around 155 pounds (which is a fairly hefty sum for a girl that’s barely over 5′, for those who are not good at calculating such things). i am not going to go railing on about how fat i am, because really, i’m not, and i know that. i also am not going to buy a scale, because i’ve played dangerous games with those before that i have no intention of revisiting. the reason it’s not frightening me to blare those numbers all over the internet is because they don’t own me or scare me anymore. they are numbers. they say very little, really.

but i don’t feel like me. and i know sugar (my god, sugar), and dairy and baked goods and indian takeout etc, etc, are not helping that sad fact. i know that salads and lean protein and fruits and vegetables will probably help that sad fact get better, along with physical activity. it sounds so gym class, right, physical activity?

so i’ve been to zumba and i’ve been to bellydancing class and i’ve been getting up early and spending half an hour with jillian micheals. i’m reminded (again) of how amazing and energetic i feel for the rest of the day when i make exercise the first thing i do. i wonder (again) why i ever let this habit go. i eat a lot of salad (a LOT of salad, guys. like, i have small salads for snacks.), and my stomach issues disappear and i don’t feel inflated all of the time. i cut out 90% of the sugar i’d been eating and after three days i don’t really want it anymore, save for the natural kind in fruits (pears. clementines. mmmm). i am not the emotional wreck that i normally am, and i’m actually able to calm down after about 10 minutes of being mad at my boyfriend, instead of raging all night. and i feel better. i just feel so much better.

and like i said, i’ve done this before. but i’ve never truly done it with a positive or healthy attitude. i’ve never said “this makes me feel good today, so this is what i will do”. i’ve sure as hell never said “i don’t even really care if i don’t lose weight. i’d really like to fit into my old clothes, but if i don’t, i’ll live with what i am”. i’ve never said, “you’re not a complete fuck up if you eat a brownie after a week of health and greens and such”. and now, i am saying all of those things. i feel better, and i feel good, and i’d really like to keep doing the things that help me feel that way. and if for some reason i don’t, after a while, the sky won’t fall and i’m not some kind of failure.

so. onward we march. (aka, i do not ever really know how to end blog posts).