and i think, and so do you, probably sometimes, because it is drilled into us, that when we have x and when we do x and when we have achieved x it will all be complete and that gauze of happiness will settle over us finally and it will be permanent.

i am learning so many things at this point in my life. i feel like i am learning all of the damn time and i feel like they are important lessons and i’m good with that, really, because i am a girl who loves to learn. loves. give me new information and i will eat it up like breakfast.

so that first statement i made, i’m learning how false it is. and i’m thinking, for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, about what it is i really want. really, really want. and if the things i have always thought i wanted, that make for a nice white picket fence life, are things i actually do want. maybe i don’t. maybe i only want what they represented. and i think about lives that seem boring and lives that seem exciting and i think of the people i know who are happy and unhappy in each, and i think it might finally be sinking into me, the concept of individuality in desire.

choice. it is the idea of choice that has been my most important lesson, recently in this life.

i’ve discussed with a few friends the idea that in my past, i always had a situation at which to direct my mental energy (which is a huge, probably larger than normal amount. i feel like i have ten bouncy balls going around my head at all times, if not more. i don’t know if it’s a real thing or a condition or WHAT, but it is my brain, and leads to a lot of my type a, neurotic tendencies). and for the first time, for the past two years, i’ve had nothing of the sort, and those urges are rising to the surface and affecting my normal, regular life. and it’s good, because i’m a hard worker and i’m ambitious and i try so hard to keep life in order, and it’s bad, because it’s really hard to keep life in order in every moment and then i feel like i am failing at all of the things.

but it is a choice. it is a choice to control my tendencies and control my feelings, a notion the bouncer introduced to me and one over which we had some vicious fights, and a wisdom i finally see. and perhaps, soon, i’ll finally be able to answer the question, of what it is that i really really want. and for once, i’m ok with the indecision.

5 thoughts on “variables.

  1. I struggle with still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up and I’m 27 years old. I own a house. I’m married. I have dogs, car payments, a career, and yet still…I’m not entirely sure what I want.

  2. I don’t think anyone every TRULY knows. Really. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps us hungry – driving – striving – moving forward… 🙂

  3. I am with Tracy in that I don’t know when we’re really supposed to know. I read people who are in their fifties who don’t know. Maybe knowing is not the right word.

    I think the cool thing is that you’re learning to be flexible about it. My life has really surprised the hell out of me, and I would guess it’ll continue to do that. It still demands mental energy, but I think the closest analogy is that it vibrates at a different pitch than it used to. Just different music.

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