precursor.

consider this a precursor, a prologue.

the story of my friendships is, in some ways, tragic. my friends substituted for my family, i loved them with a capital l and i wove them into the fabric of my life with a thicker thread than anything else. that fabric tore, over and over, into shreds. which left me in a similar state.

i wonder, sometimes, why i am hesitant to speak of what is new, to acknowledge, and it is, of course, fear that one day it will drop. and this, we have to accept, might happen. we have to accept this for everything.

i wish i had the words for the tornado of joy that it’s been to bring scintilla together with onyi and kim. i wish i knew how to explain how honored i am to do something with two brilliant women, how humbled i am that they wanted me along for the ride.

these are the kind of friends i know i have, now. the ones i have kept from days past and the ones who have walked in to my world recently. the kind who will tell me the unvarnished truth. the kind that will say, “leave him” if they see he is wrong and will say, “love him”, if they know i just need to let go a little. the kind to whom i want to communicate only the best of myself, the kind that let me, and push me, to shine, without ever diminishing what i am in the moment. the kind that believe in me. the kind that i want to dance all night with, that i want to drag around to my favorite places because i know how much they’ll enjoy it, and because i want to share in happiness.

how many ways can you say, i am fortunate, i am lucky, i have been blessed? how many ways can you convey gratitude? i would capture and shout them all, if i could, but the poetry of this escapes me. so all i can say is, i am fortunate, i am lucky, i am blessed. and please know, i am so grateful.

7 thoughts on “precursor.

  1. If you communicate only the best of yourself, I’ll develop an inferiority complex, so please at least season things with The Worst.

    You are so loved, and it is so mutual, and your part of scintilla is so damn crucial. I love what working on this project has been, how unexpectedly hard in some places and how swimming in joy in others. And aside from the work, the friendship is everything you’ve said and more.

    As for friendships, they’re unpredictable because it’s people who are in charge of them. But I don’t take it for granted, and I am super super grateful.

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