scintilla. a first.

i am scared.

i am driving to new jersey and i am scared. i have to find a place to live, because i have to go back to school and i can’t afford to live on campus. i can’t pay all of that money up front, and i think it will be cheaper if i find my own place. i am 20.

i’ve made three appointments for the day. the first, in the town very close to my school. there’s a room for rent, an elderly couple owns the home. it seems very nice, but they’re a bit strict, and they won’t allow guests. the second is an apartment share on a waterfront property, but seems more serious than i want it to be – signing a year lease and all. i can’t do that. i just have to get through the next five months of school. then i’ll figure out what happens.

i’m driving up to the third and i don’t know where i am. it’s january, the sun is getting low, and it’s bitter cold. i park on the street, and knock on the door of the big big house, and i am ushered in by a kind, down to earth, and friendly black woman. her name is dee. she tells me i should have parked in the back, and then she shows me two rooms. they are large and furnished and painted bright, cheery colors. bathrooms are shared, but there are plenty on each floor. ten people in total, probably, live in the house.

i signed a month to month agreement to rent the smaller of the rooms i was shown that day. i set a move in date for a few weeks later. and i procured myself a home.

i am driving back to new york and i am not scared. i am capable, and i am confident, and i can handle shit. i can take care of myself. i can do this.

22 thoughts on “scintilla. a first.

  1. I love how little time it takes to change perspective. Your story is a beautiful reminder that if we live life through our fears that we’ll come out stronger on the other side.

  2. I love these peeks into your past because I can’t imagine you not being anything but completely capable and bold and fearless. But these are lessons that you learned that helped you become the badass of today. Amazing first post. Love it and you ♥

  3. A first that so many of us have gone through in some way, shape or form. That fear of the unknown and feeling that lack of control and then to have it eased is a great feeling. And you did it all on your own. Awesome.

  4. What a beautifully written portrait! I love the cadence of your words and am amazed that such a short piece could share so much about one person. I admit it brought back memories of looking for places to live in New Brunswick years and years ago when I was at Rutgers.

    … and the end made my laugh and love this piece all the more!

  5. It just makes me smile to think about the first time I realized I could handle adult things without my parents holding my hand, even if it was squeezed through the digital signal of a cell phone.

  6. Living in Jersey solves all problems.
    I really relate to this, having also had to secure cheap housing at an early age. The fear and the exhilaration of it, you described it expertly.

  7. I love how everything shifts in an afternoon. From scared out of your mind to confidently driving home. And I love that this radical swing back and forth is so…very….you. At least, the you that I feel I know. You move so delicately between having your shit so completely together (that thanksgiving dinner threw me away, the planning, the cooking, the almost-complete (friendly and sweet) rejection of anyone’s help, it killed me!) and showing your own vulnerability, your nerves, and your private moments of freak out.

  8. Can only say that the writing is beautiful. And the feeling of owning a home for the first time, was amazing, even for me. Grateful to meet you!

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