scintilla – grown up.

it comes in flashes.

on sunday evenings when we’ve finished dinner, and all of the chores are done, and i’m preparing for the week, it strikes me. this feeling of completion, of being where i am supposed to be.

on holidays or days i have decided to throw a party, when i am running around like mad trying to make sure everything is right, ooking all of the things, trying to make sure everything comes out warm and at the same time.

when i am sick, and alone, and shuffling around, and wishing someone could just come care for me, and that i didn’t have to do so much on my own.

when i am scrubbing the spots out of the microwave furiously, or making sure to dust in every little corner.

i think, like many things, i have a nebulous and far reaching idea of what it means to be truly grown. and i keep expecting this peace to settle over me, and to realize, “ah, i am here now. this is Grown Up Land,” and it never does. of course it doesn’t, because this isn’t how life really works and everything is always in progress.

i think it’s because i equate adulthood with perfect responsibility. with always have your shit together and every hair in place, and this is not real, ever. so i take the flittering in and out of it, because oh, do i feel so good when i’m one of those spaces where i am just On Top of Everything. and even when i am scrambling i say, ok, so today i am scrambling. and tomorrow, maybe, will be better. and the next day, sometimes i am, and sometimes i am not. and this evolution, this push pull tidal flow, this is Life, really, so i’m learning to be alright with it.

and maybe that is what it means to be grown up, after all.

14 thoughts on “scintilla – grown up.

  1. Yes, yes! This is it! What will I write now that you’ve said it so perfectly? I somehow equate adulthood with cleanliness and organization, too– it’s what my mom does so well. But utter and total confidence; having your shit together? Not so much. We’ll all be waiting a long time to grow up if that’s it.

  2. I, like you, am not sure I will ever get there and I like you, am perfectly okay with that. And we, because we are friends, are going (in a few short months) to unleash your inner children all over NYC. And for this, I cannot wait. ♥

  3. My favorite Uncle once promised me that while he couldn’t stop the passage of time that he would guarantee that I never had to “grow up.” And I’m happy that his predictions in some ways came true. I keep waiting to feel like a responsible adult and even being married I feel like I’m just playing house.

  4. i think it’s because i equate adulthood with perfect responsibility. with always have your shit together and every hair in place, and this is not real, ever. <—absolutely truth, 100%. I love your take on this – all of it is so right on.

  5. YES! I totally think that being a “grown up” is being alright with the push and pull. The feeling of “getting it” and then the feeling of “not getting it”. Loved this post.

  6. I don’t wanna grow up–I know you’re totally thinking about the Toys-R-US song now–but I don’t think responsibility means grown up. I think it means we are making choices to be more grown up, but we can still be the child we have to be when we want to.

  7. Love this! It’s funny, people started treating me like a responsible adult after I got married, even though I had my shit together much more before another person invaded and everything in my routine was up for grabs. 🙂 I guess seeing my mother fall apart and put herself back together influenced my ideas of adulthood: less about perfection and more about making your own decisions with the knowledge that you’re responsible for the consequences, positive and negative. For me, it’s that choice that makes the difference. Adults are conscious of it. Children are not.

  8. As I aged through my 30s I was surprised at how much being grown up didn’t feel at all like I always imagined it would. Adulthood definitely is a moving target.

  9. I think this is the biggest secret that adults keep from us as children, that you never really feel grown up, that you are never finished, that we are all eternally growing.
    We think it’s about responsibility, and in part it is, but in the end, I think it is simply learning to be comfortable with ourselves, who we are, where we are.

  10. “and even when i am scrambling i say, ok, so today i am scrambling. and tomorrow, maybe, will be better”

    I think this is being grown up, the acknowledgement of imperfection and being ok with it.

Leave a Reply to aduronia Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *