eventually, the mornings where you think, “i just can’t”, they catch up to you.
i got out of bed and walked on feet that were stinging, and my head was already starting to pound, and i thought of how i sobbed last night because i am just tired, and because i feel so guilty because i am tired, and i don’t want to broken. i want to be out there and up and able to enjoy all the amazing things i have the chance to do – i want to be like everybody else. i just want to live, too. with the rest of you and all of your fun shit and your ability to keep up.
he stroked my hair last night and told me it was really ok, that i have been doing a lot and it’s reasonable, and no one is judging me.
i got dizzy in the train station – well, i got dizzy all day, nauseous too. i was angrasad because some dude got on the train with his bike and blocked any/all of the available standing space near the bouncer, so i moved, and guys, i am NOT LIKE THIS but there was a point where i nearly had tears in my eyes because i just wanted to hold his hand and why did i have to be standing so far away? and at moments like this, thank the baby jesus for american gods on my kindle, which is my comfort food of reading.
walking to work i felt like there was a chain in the middle of my chest, connecting me to the street, pulling me down and whispering “stay there”. i realize, this sounds insane, but you know, if you’ve been here for a while you might have picked up on the theme that some of my marbles are missing and some of the ones that are there are cracked. i like to think i make up for it with charm and wit. but in any case, god, it’s a fucked up feeling to start the day feeling pulled down to a new york city sidewalk. if that is not a disheartening thing that makes you question your mental health, i am not sure what is.
so i made it through the day, with a few bouts of putting my head down on my desk to just breathe for a minute, and i am blessedly home now, in bed, with air conditioning and rest on the horizon.
but i’m wiped. i’ve been teetering on the edge of “wow you have been moving too fast” for months, and i feel super guilty about it, because people can handle more than this. there is a thing that runners say about running your own race. i repeat this to myself nearly every day, about many things. i am trying to internalize, to really understand, that it is about me and what i can handle, and i’m not broken if my standards are different than other people’s. i don’t have anything to prove, at the end of the day, and i’ve got to take care of myself and understand my own limits.
slowing down. letting go of comparison and guilt. here i go.