i have memorialized it beyond any use it will ever have. don’t think i don’t realize that.
i speak in those extremes so frequently. i catch myself tip tapping out my familiar turns of phrase and i think, “again? we are not done with this?”
some days you are reminded of vile, vicious bits of your past, some days you are reminded of your capacity for hate, for rage, for an anger so pure you frighten yourself, the things you can imagine saying, doing. some days, sometimes the same ones, you’re reminded of how tender things could be. you cock your head as you gaze upon someone’s words and you say, “yes. you remind me of him. i know what you’re made of, because i knew him once.” you remember that these things, these times, they’re ghosts. ghosts.
some days you are reminded that you are loved. that people carry warm feelings for you. that you have friends. i was never one to go to the extremes of thinking no one would care if i died, but for a long time i did truly believe that no one would care if i left. if i packed everything and went far away, dropped off the face of new york and the internet and all of the places where i’m known. some days i’m reminded that that’s not really true.
i wince, when you all have noticed that things have not been easy for me this summer. i don’t have good reason. everything is chugging along as it should, there are no traumas, there are no catastrophes. there is a constant and unyielding pressure to be happy, upbeat, positive, smiley, in every moment, to be taking advantage of all this wide life has to offer. sometimes, the things this life has to offer are a tidal wave and you are left sputtering. sometimes, there are no reasons for why things feel hard. they just do. it’s a thing that varies.
i wished today to erase memories, bygone eras, people who left, people i expelled. i always say i am a girl who has no regrets, and i truly don’t because i know, in most times, i was doing the best i could. i know there is no utility to a regret. there are times where i can see there was a better decision, but very infrequently have i completely thrown caution to the wind and acted with no mindfulness of what was a good decision (though when i do, i do it spectacularly, i’ll tell you).
it’s all gone, it’s all wisps, and life is so very different now. the marks made though – as kim told me today, sometimes you can’t help but touch the scar.