ideas. i swim in them.
especially now, at one am on the third night of no work, which is generally the time i fall into the night owl thing again. this is when i burst. this is when i obsessively research, this is when i want to bolt up from bed and do a project. this is when i shut my computer when my eyes start to fall but no, no, it is not time yet, because all of the ideas are churning.
i say ideas but really, i struggle with the idea of being a creative person. i don’t feel like one. you’ll tell me that because of this blog, because of my job, because of the food i make or something that it’s not true but i’ll have a retort for each one. i like creating, but i don’t feel creative. it feels like a lot. it feels like pressure to be special, when i don’t make a habit of thinking i’m all that special.
i’ve thought of and begun to write about this year several times already. i did beautiful, amazing things in 2012 and i’m so intensely grateful for many of them – i am, even if my demeanor doesn’t show it. i’ve also been fighting my own brain for the past six months and it has tainted everything.
i haven’t gone through the processes this year – the end of year ones where we reflect and plan. i haven’t decided if i will. i am scared of them, you know? the year end planning, the choosing of a word, the creation of plans with check ins and such. i’ve become so scared of this, of what failure means, of how i will live up to it when there are days that taking one step outside my door is the best i can do.
there are other things i have to get a handle on before i choose a word for the year, you know?