if you could see the disparate thoughts that run through me every day, the scattered drafts i have littered in evernote, the things i never know how to say, the times i’m afraid i’m repeating myself.

the internet is an echo chamber. it’s awash in perfectly lit food photos, girls’ hands in cable knit globes wrapped around a mug of tea (i wanna be that girl too, i won’t lie to you), vacations, weddings, babies, perfect scenes and stories, food reviews, beauty reviews, parent talk, a series of “look at my perfectly curated life but i’ll punctuate it with one post where i tell you my life is messy and here’s why, but just that one”. there’s just so MUCH. there is so much muchness. do you know what i mean?

i made this huge change so i could build a life i wanted, and i’m not doing a great job. i’ve got a bad, lifelong habit of believing in the magic answer, the one thing that will make all of the puzzle pieces rain from the sky in exactly the right position and assemble themselves flawlessly in front of me. no, this isn’t how it works. i know. so i’m trying. here i am with this window open and everything else shut down and it’s trying. i’ll get up and do a plank on the floor for 30 seconds, 40, 45, maybe a minute one day and that is also trying. and it’s funny, now that i reread those sentences, and what i meant to say is that it is my effort, but the structure and the language, it also means that it’s hard. and it is hard. i suppose i made a pun.

you couldn’t imagine how often i want to wear a banner, to scream to the world my apologies and my rage that when i try it feels so fucking SMALL. to say i’m sorry but to spit on you for making me feel like i have to.

i won’t end this with some proclamation that because i’ve gotten this out, i can move on to other things, because there’s a good chance that would be a lie. this isn’t the first version of this post that’s appeared here or anywhere else, it’s just a reformulation and others have spun it much more eloquently than i will. but it’s the truth. let’s just go for the truth.