fireworks sometimes make me sad.

not as a concept, of course. i dig fireworks, especially the ones that glitter and sparkle in the sky for a while. i wish i could see them at times that aren’t the fourth of july or new year’s eve, and i like going to baseball games that have fireworks at the end.

for the duration of every fireworks show i have ever viewed, i’ve been a little bit anxious. because all i can think about, while this glorious, fire in the sky display is happening, is that it’s going to be over. it’s going to end and it will all be over and how will i remember, how will i hold on to something so pretty?

i’m terrible at endings. i mean, i don’t know anyone who claims a special talent for them, but – i am just so overtaken with anxiety at the idea of the clock running down. it is a very specific thing and ties right in with my difficulties making choices without seeing all of the options and my preoccupation with order and completion. but imminent endings, they are one of my undoings.

i got to see fireworks this year. i haven’t seen a solid display in several years, and i often remember my family heading down to jones beach to see the grucci show. i loved running around the sand dunes at sunset, and settling down on a blanket in the sand, and not knowing or caring about the horrible traffic jam we’d encounter on the way out, just getting lost in giant fire explosions over the ocean.

and as soon as they started, as always, i could only think of when they’d be over. how long would they last? how many would i get? would it be satisfying? would i feel cheated? how could i remember and hold onto every. last. one. and lord, it was so immediately exhausting.

so i said…how about not, this time? how about i just watch and enjoy what’s happening, put my phone away because i NEVER take a good fireworks photo, and just follow along. how about i just accept what is given me. how about i choose not to care when it ends.

and for the next fifteen minutes, that is exactly what i did. it was a beautiful show with good friends, just off the beach, and i felt so incredibly free to enjoy it fully.