we put all of our worth into our strength. we fell apart.

 i earned your respect by walking through blueblack fires. it’s no wonder it didn’t last, and it’s no wonder that i’m still burned. burnt.

so we told ourselves that we were strong, we were steel, and this was our comfort while flames raged, this was a secret peace we never wanted to admit. there was no jailer, gaoler, there were no bars. so how dare you condescend to me when, with the weight of your own years, so many more than mine, you haven’t found the maze out of this place, you don’t have any answers.

it is never easy. you are dealt your lot and you do what you can. sometimes you get it all wrong, and then you must kneel and make your confession, and it’s never pretty. absolution isn’t free.

today, some five six ten years later, i’m only grateful to know that i have worth beyond the trials i can withstand.


sometimes i find that my memory deserts me. i remember the things i’ve done, the places i’ve been, but i look at it all now through old windows where the glass has melted a bit. it’s far away and it doesn’t seem like it was ever real. i can’t be there again.

you can never go back.

i know, listening to this band now, that i had a friend, i had a friend that meant everything to me, and i flew to the middle of the country so we could go to this concert together. my plane circled and circled and there was talk of being diverted, and i was terrified because then we would miss the concert and we had understood each other over this music. i know these facts but the truth of this no longer lives in me.

is this how we grow up?

and despite this disconnect in memory there are the things that i won’t see or do or buy anymore, the concepts that i eschew on principle. things that i see and the bitterness rises on my tongue. i don’t want a part of this anymore. i don’t want a part of the things that remind me, anymore. i want to leave it behind.

the connections we cannot sever.

i woke up in the middle of the night and thought i was watching a movie with lorraine bracco, and i was thinking of when i first watched the sopranos. i was a black tornado dust storm. a vodka flavored disaster. i thought of the beginnings of my connections, my relationships, how it’s all always started. what infatuation is like. what it leads to.

we all come from the same place.