prompt: what have you let go of this year and how has it affected you?

i am very very bad at letting go, emotionally and mentally. i live under the mistaken idea that i have limitless space within me to store every memory, every feeling, every story – and to be consciously aware of them all – forever. and you just cannot carry all of these things with you, all of the time. your space and energy are not limitless. this introduction is mostly to say, it would be unfair for me to say i have actually let go. i am in the process of letting go, and for some of the list items i’m further along than others. that is a much more comfortable statement.

i’m letting go of the emotional impact of the explosion of several important relationships that occurred in 2009. you’ll think i’ve held on too long to this, but please go have a second look at that intro paragraph. i’ve been holding onto anger and hurt and a resulting coldness – and i finally don’t feel a need for it anymore. i don’t wish to allow these people to change who i am.

i’m letting go (with some reluctance) of a dedication to perfection. i wrote a post about this a little while back. i am a stresser and a worrier. i am stressed and worried almost all of the time, and usually it has to do with achieving some goal that contributes to a larger goal of having a perfect life. this is asinine and it’s affecting me in ways i didn’t predict and don’t like (migraines, outbursts, breakdowns) – and it’s time to stop. i say i’m giving it up with some reluctance because – well, it’s a part of me, and the things that have been a part of you for so long are a comfort, even if they are also causing you pain. crazy how that works, right? but i’m actively trying to calm the fuck down. promise. deep breaths and the whole shebang.

i’m letting go of a compulsion to be what i am not. i wrote a post on this as well – apologies. i am ridding myself of the notion that i should/must/would be better if i were into thing x or had quality x. i am into what i’m into and i have the qualities i do and those are awesome, and i am learning to embrace that notion. this is actually quite a revolution.

for bonus points, i have a goal of letting go of materialism in 2012. i find myself falling too often into the mousetrap of “well i just have thing x, everything will be ok/better/filled with rainbows”. this is a lie and i’ve got to stop believing it. i want to pare down in the new year, and i want to develop mechanisms to curtail my desire for stuff. stuff doesn’t fix anything. thought and reflection and work does.

i have to say, i appreciate having this choice in prompts. opens up the playing field.

this is a difficult question for me. when we strip down the qualities, the things we’re into, our obsessions, our families and relationships, what remains at the core? or are we those things? is the core something we should even bother trying to access? (i was a philosophy major in college, in case you couldn’t tell). these are glimpses, you know, only that, but i think it’s a valuable exercise. to what can we boil our essence down to.

who am i.

i’m a girl who is honestly tempted to respond “de girls dem sugar” to this prompt, and loves anyone who understands why.

i am a girl. i don’t feel comfortable calling myself a woman, though i suppose by now, it’s true. i’m twenty six, and a nonprofit employee. my name is dominique, and it’s a very fitting name for me.

i am a person with history and that history has weight. i’ve used that phrase before but it’s so very accurate. i am sometimes manipulative, but i always feel guilty when i realize what i’ve done. i am a person who is made very happy by very small things. i struggle with the concept of personal symbols – i can’t seem to find any. i am fine with piercings but afraid of tattoos. i am very specific, and observant. there are a lot of things that bother me, and i have several habits that could be classified in the obsessive-compulsive category. still, i think i am mostly alright.

i am often overwhelmed and i have a very busy brain. i am fairly insatiable when it comes to knowledge – it doesn’t really matter about what. i have new fascinations frequently. i love doing research. i am very, very into the idea of order – i like collections and neat lists, i like organizational systems, i like plans.

i do not have strong family ties. i lost several of my more important friendships about two years ago, and after some false starts i think i’m making headway into a new generation of friendships. still, it makes me sad that i’m not the kind of person that has a sister, or the same best friend since age 10. my roots, they are weak. i am not a nomad, but i could be comfortable that way. i don’t become tied to places.

i am olive skinned, and have dark curly hair and brown eyes. i look as though i could be from any one of a variety of cultures – latina, mediterranean, middle eastern. i am an original. i am witty, in my better moments, and engaging, although i imagine i border on obnoxious with my volume sometimes. i can be a bit much.

i come from new york, long island, but i don’t really feel like i do. i live in brooklyn now, and it’s strange. it’s such a very hip place to be and i am not a very hip person. but it’s got it’s tucked away charms and it’s not the place that makes the person, so for the moment, it’s good. i have lived all over the new york metro area.

i love chai tea, the internet, avocados, steak, a bunch of other foods, baking, scrapbook papers, the way it feels to exercise, reading. i do not love crowds, the nyc subway system, citrus flavored things, retail stores, country and metal music.

so tell me. who are you?

i came into reverb a little late last year, and i’m not sure i did the “one word” post. i can’t find it, so i’ll presume i didn’t. i don’t really want to think about what my 2010 word would have been – it wouldn’t have been very positive.

this year, man, this year. my word for this year, 2011, is possible.

i had to do some reflecting on this year for the stratejoy council i’m participating in, and i mentioned last night to the bouncer that i don’t even remember the months before march, when i started looking for a new job. i can imagine it was the same in and out of going to my old, hated job every day, and well, hating most every day and feeling so very trapped. but i don’t remember it.

i do remember the intense waves of glitter sparkle possibility that started washing over me when i realized that i could do something else. that i could maybe be happy every day, that misery doesn’t have to be a function of work.

i remember them coming as i realized that i didn’t have to be a sad, mourning mess anymore. that i could begin to heal and close those wounds. that i could even change what they’ve done to me. that i have a choice.

i remember them when it began to dawn on me that i have someone who is willing to try with me. every single day.

this was a year of amazing possibility. i don’t know for sure that everything it’s applied to will pan out forever – but when do we ever know such things? i am so grateful for every drop of possibility that touched my life this year – and there have been many.

i wrote an entry earlier this year about what this feels like for me, which is a whole lot more poetic than this post.

in projecting a word that i might choose for 2012, i’ll go with forward. i really want to take all of these little dewdrops of possible that have collected all over my world and do something. i’ve done my dance through them and it’s time i gather them all up and skip further along. specific action items? sure. decorate my house. maybe even paint. enroll in a web development certificate program. attend professional development things. journal. revamp my relationship.

yay guys, reverb is back!!