i’m really behind, i know. the holidays ate my life. and now i am quite sick. but i’m going to do my damndest to plow through.

Prompt: Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

i mentioned it before. my friend that lives close by invited me over for a friday night, just for movies and takeout. as with most activities that occur on friday nights, because i am getting old, i sort of wanted to cancel and go home and relish resting in bed and knowing i don’t have to wake up early in the morning. and, as with most other times, i reminded myself that i’m actually 25 and a night in with friends is not stressful at all and i should go. so i went.

i’m not sure what it was – perhaps the simple act of talking and bonding that has become a little foreign to me, perhaps the imbibing of a bottle of wine, perhaps the french fries (i love french fries. i really really love french fries.) or maybe the movies we watched (or half watched, for some of them), or maybe my excellent company, but for the first time in a really, really long time, i felt the warmth of a growing friendship. without fear and uncertainty.

and that was joyful.

Prompt: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

very little has healed me this year.
because i have let very little in.

there have been drips. i shared with an old friend – i don’t even know what to nickname her – we’ll go with the princess (old joke) – the story of how an acquaintance, a potential friend, hurt me quite a lot by shutting me out. she listened, and she got it, and the act of letting her see was – moving. it sounds small – it is small – but it meant something.

i’ve had a whole series of friday nights with the actress that are awesome in a lot of ways. that make me think i can do this trusting thing again. that free me from daily bullshit and make me happy to share my time. they make me feel light.

i’ve had girls nights somewhere else (another one i don’t know how to name…) – that have made me feel normal again. like maybe this is how people do things, and maybe i’m ok.

still though – on the whole, i have not come far on a healing path. it’s been extremely recent that i even absorbed what i needed to and figured out why it’s still here.

next year i want to trust. i want to allow myself to be fully in love, to love without question. i want to know what everyone’s talking about when they say they have these rock solid friendships, that they trust their friends with anything.

you don’t know how badly i want it.