priorities. and what i want.

it’s just beginning to dawn on me that this is my life.

i’ve had a torrent of thoughts and revelations since my week in the sun with the bouncer, tiff, and nick. what exactly do i want? why is that a much more difficult question than it pretends to be? i gave in and watched the beyonce documentary today and she said the most difficult question she faced when transitioning into managing herself was just this. and the options, they stretch so far, so wide and god, it is hard to pin them down.

i learned in my 30 days of full on paleo eating that anything can be done when you prioritize it, but you can’t prioritize everything, you have to choose. it’s the choice that’s central. that month i knew what my priority was and other things were structured around that. and when i was flailing, this was a non negotiable because i’d made it a priority. we live in an age where there are new ideas and thoughts thrust at you all the time – literally, all of the time – it is so damn noisy, you know? we are taught to want everything and we are never taught what it takes to get even one thing. 

so i am prioritizing. i am imagining, for once, openly, what i really really want my life to look like and what works for me. i’m trashing ill conceived notions that it is because of my own failings and weaknesses that i am not him or her or that. i’m not focusing on all of the things i am not. and there are a host of things that i am not, but there is also a lengthy list of things that i definitively am. so for now, i’m resting in the notion of figuring out the life i want and then, i will make a plan to get there. because when you make one thing the MOST important thing, that is the time you can get somewhere because you finally know what to do.

i’m sort of getting away from myself. it’s just sinking in that this moment right here is my life right now, and i know, that sounds so simple. i know that. but i have labored under delusions for so long now, delusions that have only built upon themselves over the years, snowballed, have buried themselves so deep within me and crusted over with layers, delusions that are implanted and have fused with me. that my life begins when i am perfect. my life begins when i flaunt a size six, my life begins when i learn to like coffee like a real adult, my life begins when my house is effortlessly clean and tidy, my life begins when i am fancy, my life begins when i start to give a shit about fashion, my life begins when i am put together every day, my life begins when i never eat a carb again, when i get up at 5:30 to work out, when i dance the night away with friends, when i spend nights in with my boyfriend, when he plans vacations for us, when i am engaged/married, when we have fancy date nights, when i take vacations four times a year, when people like me on the internet, when, when, when.

sometimes the bouncer wonders why i value quiet the way i do and it is because of that. it is because i spend most moments pushing towards an ideal, believing that i am going to cross a line and hear a bell and yes, THIS will be the moment it all begins.

it’s not like i needed a revelation to tell me this isn’t true. but i did need one to jolt me into altering my thinking, to make me tell myself to stop. to breathe. that this moment right here is what’s happening and it’s valid and it’s not a waiting game. it is my actual life and all i need to do is stop, breathe in, and OWN it.


3 thoughts on “priorities. and what i want.

  1. I read this after you wrote it but I was not making comments because I am an ass. My life begins when I make comments in a timely fashion.

    and the options, they stretch so far, so wide and god, it is hard to pin them down.

    I just finished reading Rules of Civility and I know you are not big on New York fiction so you probably won’t read it, but it was good. Anyway, one of the big themes spelled out in the end is that choosing is so hard (and I know you are with me on choosing being hard) because the minute you choose it’s like you’re grieving all the things you didn’t choose. And it was so well done throughout the book that I wanted to shout about it. Yes, choosing is a good and positive thing, but there is no denying the loss that goes with it, and it was wonderful to read.

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