Category: thoughts

pause

you know, it’s not so bad to breathe. it’s actually really kind of wonderful to come home and drop all your shit and put on your softest, oldest yoga pants, that you’ve had since before they were called yoga pants. and then sit, and breathe in, and out, and that’s it. that is all you are allowed to do for five minutes. you are not allowed to get up, you are not allowed to start dinner, you’re not allowed to check twitter, and really, why don’t we just push all the things you have to do, the never-ending loop that runs like a brainwashing vhs tape through your head, why don’t we hit pause? for five minutes. so, i let myself do this.

i was intensely surprised at the way i could slow down. at how it is not failure to do so. i thought today of how my friend reminded me that i am more than the roles i play, that there is a woman, a person, under all of that. that i have form and shape and substance aside from what i do, who i do it for, the ways i connect. when i got up i was able to make a very clear and very manageable list. i abandoned the thought of dinner and ate a homemade larabar. i put some things away and dusted and re-ordered the top of my dresser, where i keep my me things, the spot i consider all mine in the small space i share. it had gotten really messy lately – maybe that says something.

i finished enough to make me happy, even though there’s a lot more to be done, and i sat and i sent a note i’d been meaning to. to a girl i’m not friends with anymore, but i have something of hers i’d like to return, and that’s the right thing to do. and if she is shocked and appalled to hear from me, well, at least i tried to do the right thing, right?

i thought about writing for you a little list of things i am, things to remind myself, things that might be news to you, but i’m not there yet. claiming identities, that feels…definitive. it feels like i will say x and you will say, “no, dominique, you are not x because a, b, and c” and your scrutiny, it scares me. this is ok though. i’ll mull those things over and i’ll make some sense of them first and i’ll build them as little mountains before i announce them, and then no one will have the power to knock them down.

and now, because i sat and i breathed in and out and i gave myself a break for five minutes to remind myself that i am human and that is fine and the whole world is not a contest in every moment, because i did this, i can choose what will make me happy tonight. and then i can do exactly that. if you are the kind of person who understands why the idea that you can choose to do things that will give you joy is kind of revelatory, then we will probably be friends. if you are not, well then, i envy you, truly.

pause every once in a while, guys. maybe even every day. i’m telling you, it’s worth it.

 

Posted on by dominique 3

a bulleted list of thoughts.

  • this nail color is amazing (it is opi’s black cherry chutney)
    • i will always be grateful that even though my nails are pretty short, they take to super dark polish well, because it is my favorite.
  • i should ask the internet if they actually like me, and if not, then why not. wait, no. that’s not a thing i should do at all.
    • i mean, it would be a fascinating intellectual exercise. if i can divorce myself from how others perceive me it’d be a really great way to get feedback on things i can work on.
    • except, brain, you are thinking of ways you need to improve and shit you need to do better like, every second. stop this whole line of thinking.
  • do people who complain on twitter about how people complain/are negative on twitter understand that they’re participating in the exact paradigm they’re railing against?
  • crispy bacon and an apple is a truly winning breakfast.
  • the sky is a perfect cerulean (which was my favorite crayola crayon but blue is not my favorite color. conundrum) and i should get outside except, it’s twenty something degrees.
  • vegas is going to be amazing.
  • in two weeks, for the first time in probably 17 years, i’m going to wear a bikini. and i feel pretty good about it.
wishing you a wonderful saturday, my friends. tell me what you’re up to.
Posted on by dominique 7

this won’t be all that interesting.

that post title is not some kind of trick. this really won’t be all that interesting.

well, i broke the shit out of my blog.

i wanted to become an adult and get my own hosting, as my friend ed was hosting me since i graduated to big girl internet and bought a domain. so i did, and i was promptly mega confused by the hosting dashboard, but i digress (i am smart, guys, i swear). and ed told me to back up my site, and i did, using wordpress’ export function. and then he warned me that by transferring the hosting we’d be deleting the whole site and was i ok with that? and i said yes, because i did my export. hey guess what i learned? exports don’t include media, or your theme(s). LOLFUNTIMES.

what is even better is that this all happened on the eve of #BiSC registration. and i was already signed up, but, within 24 hours of me doing this, 50 new people were signing up for the most super mega fun best weekend ever, and they might be stumbling across my blog because you know, i’m listed. and there i was with the wordpress default theme, unstyled, no pictures, and a hello, world! post. HAHAHAHA.

i fixed all that tonight and pulled a theme together. i’m not in love but it’ll do the trick for the moment. don’t judge me too hard, ok?

in related news, #BiSC signups DID happen and i am really excited to see several of my faves from last year, have a sequin filled room of judgment with alana, and meet even more new people, and some who won’t be new, per se, but i’ll be really excited to hug and see in person for the first time (like tom). you can catch more on my feelings about #BiSC2012 from my posts from last year’s event: one on my feelings, and one on the events of the weekend. basically, i drank the kool-aid and joined the cult and it’s amazing. i’ll give you a tidbit that i left as a comment on nicole’s post on the 2013 registration opening:

 there were people whose internet personas i had judged or been intensely jealous of or determined they’d never like me so i shouldn’t even bother and YADA YADA, and hey guess what? we are friends and people are nice. LOOK AT THAT. there are people whose blogs still aren’t necessarily my deal but you know, i met them and they’re really cool and i will keep up with it because i care about THEM. the person behind the internet is SO important, and having kept myself behind the shield of an IP address for so long with so many preconceived notions (about myself and others), this was a revolutionary notion for me.

i’m also on my fifteenth day of eating paleo. it’s not awful, but it’s not great. about half of the recipes that i’ve made have been terrible, and that’s hard on my ego because usually, my food is delicious because butter. and cheese. i’m pretty bored of the things that i’m “allowed” to eat, i don’t think i’ve really lost weight* (which is a goal i have mixed feelings on anyway, so, i’m not crying over that), and my hunger cycles have changed so that i don’t think i’m actually eating enough, or a proper balance of nutrients to give me good energy. because i have very little energy. all of this to say i’ll be the one dissenting opinion on the internet and say paleo is not that awesome. however, i’m eating a ton of salad and veggies and i HAVE made a few really good recipes, and i’m glad to know those. i could also probably do a way better job of incorporating more salad and veggies into my life. i’m sticking with it through the month of january and we’ll see where i go from there.

* – please, dear readers, this is not an invitation to give me weight loss ideas. i know you are all lovely and well meaning but a) i have heard them and b) that’s just not a thing that goes nicely with my brain.

well, wait! i know where i’m going from there. i’m going on a cruise to the bahamas with tiff and nick, who i met during an in-n-out trip at last year’s #BiSC (we come full circle). i also shared a SUPER inappropriate cab ride with them and our friendship was cemented for life. the bouncer and i are heading down to florida, going to harry potter world (!!!. no, seriously. !!!!!!!), and heading off for four nights of cruising in the sun. i am REALLY excited, especially because we are already planning to get a private cabana with a manservant (the website says “server” but we know the truth), and go on the slides at atlantis. any tips for sneaking alcohol onto cruises? give ’em up.

and that’s where things stand, loves. tell me how your new year is going.

 

 

Posted on by dominique 8

simplicity.

there comes an age where you are responsible for yourself. where you really need to stop blaming your parents, your old friends, your exes for wherever you find yourself at a moment. where you need to stop acting like you have no control, and like the universe is conspiring to bring you down. spoiler: its not.

i say all of the time, and people think i am cold, and negative, that you are your only guarantee. and yes, i mean that you are the only person you can 100% rely on. i don’t think this means that there’s no one you can ever trust. i think it does mean that you need to take responsibility for yourself, your actions, and your joy, because you are the only one in the entire world whose job that is expressly.

if there’s a person in your life that’s continually hurting you, cut them off. if there’s an ex whose texts bother you, block their number. if there’s a situation you’re in where you’re not being treated right, extract yourself. if there’s something you want to change, sit down and make a plan to change it. if you think you’ll need help, ask for it. it really all is this simple – and simple doesn’t mean easy.

you are in charge. it is your right and responsibility to take advantage of that fact and fight for yourself. stop playing the victim, and start taking control. there comes a point where i lose respect for people who have no idea how to care for themselves, who are so wrapped up in self made tornados that all they can do is whine.

people tell me this is harsh, and i answer that i’ve seen humans do amazing things when they feel just a little empowered. i was a girl wrapped up in my own storms, convinced i needed to be tragic to be beautiful. Then, i decided t’d rather be happy than beautiful. the storms, they will wear you faster than you can realize what you’ve done.

it’s not a conspiracy. no one has it out for you. stand yourself up and fight. you’re the only one who really can.

(note: i wrote this months ago, and i haven’t been so great at living it lately. i am down and low and in the hole and all the other pretty synonyms we think up to say depressed without saying it. it’s as much a reminder for me as it is for the rest of the world)
Posted on by dominique 7

gratitude, volume 1

i was asked by amanda a few weeks ago to participate in #30daysofthanks, which is a thing that goes around these grand interwebs every november. i didn’t answer, for a few reasons. the first is that i was traveling, which is not my natural state and not all that easy for me (so much worry, so many things to do and take care of). the second is that i’m pretty bad at gratitude (but that’s probably all the more reason why i should practice it). the third is that i have been really deep in the hole of feelings. i have a whole post written about that, and we’ll see if it sees the light of day.

today, however, has been a blessed reprieve. i have had a glorious brooklyn autumnal morning and early afternoon, and since we are ten days into the gratitude project, i can come up with 10 things i am grateful for. also, i like lists.

1. my king size memory foam bed. yep. this is shallow. i’m ok with that. every single time i travel, i am super grateful to come home to my bed which is made of pure awesome. the bouncer is bouncer sized and in order to avoid nightly smotherings i demanded a king size bed. when we came up with a memory foam for $500 on amazon, we were sold. at least three times a week, we audibly sigh with relief and joy while sinking into the bed at the end of the night.

2. my work, and my coworkers. i’m fortunate enough to have a job i really like, most days, with people who make me smile and laugh, all of the days. i love that i work for a cause, i love that my natural talents are involved in my work. there are days, especially recently, where it is astonishingly difficult to make myself get out of bed. it’s a little easier knowing i’m about to spend 8 hours at a place that i’m usually really fond of.

3. lessons and realizations, even if they are old news. most of the time, i’m pretty sure no one likes me. and you know, i’m kind of safe and comfortable in that place – i would open myself to disappointment if i did think that i was likable and then no one liked me, so it’s just much easier to presume the worst and get on with life. but i forget that we are not robots, i especially am not a robot, and that kind of life, it hurts all of the time. so when i step outside of a bar, where a very sweet and cool and nice person is hosting a meetup with lots of other sweet, cool, and nice people, and i look down at myself and think, “remember, you are not like them. you are different and they will never appreciate you, because you’re not worthy,” and i can reverse that and answer myself and say, “no. you are all living, breathing humans who work to earn money and laugh and have dreams, and you are not all that different, and you know, everyone’s been really nice to you so maybe your bullshit self talk is exactly that, bullshit.” this, this is a good moment, if i can believe this for a second or a minute or maybe even an hour.

4. saying fuck it, and moving on. some things are not worth your time. some actions are inexplicable, some cruelties will never be explained. we all experience this world differently, and sometimes you just won’t get why person x did thing y. and you know what? when that thing is mean, when it hurts you, when you even suspect that you aren’t worthy of that treatment, when you try to handle it the mature way with communication and openness and vulnerability and it just doesn’t work, you are so allowed to say fuck it and move along. as a matter of fact, i encourage you to do so. it’s freeing.

5. tea. what the hell did i do before i was a tea drinker?

6. the circumstances that conspired to have me in a 2,500 square foot mansion in beverly hills for a week. i mean, it took a lot to make this happen. one of the bouncer’s friends was getting married near LA. he was a groomsman, and so were many of his/our friends. hotels nearer to the wedding were pricey. blahblity blah. at the end of the day, seven of us booked this giant, five bedroom, four bathroom, fancy ass house for a week. there was a pool and a hot tub and a full set of wine glasses and truly, this was all i needed. LA would never have been on my “places i need to go” list, and i can think of more desirable to me vacations to take with the money i spent on this trip, but really, i had an amazing time in a new and fascinating place with people i knew but had never gotten to bond with. really, that’s pretty awesome.

7. my boyfriend. this is sappy and you can feel free to skip it, and i will not blame you because other people’s sap is usually boring. i am never going to be accused of being the easiest person to love or live with or hell, spend more than an hour with. in the past three weeks, he has held me when i’ve been sobbing, probably past the point when his arms fell asleep. he’s dealt with me going from fine to really not fine in less than five seconds (i am not exaggerating). he has managed my intense and irrational frustration and anger with grace. he has never even raised his voice, at me. he tries every single day to let me know how much he cares, he asks me every morning how i am feeling, and that means how i am really feeling, and he pets my head every night until i fall asleep. we are not perfect and we have our hurdles but god, i can’t imagine how my heart would fare without him. i can’t. (and this is not an easy thing for me to admit to myself or you, so).

8. fuzzy socks. IT’S BEEN REALLY COLD AND SOMETIMES SNOWY.

9. new york bagels. and maybe bacon cream cheese.

10. the internet.  fairly self explanatory, no? where else can i find new friends, buy household supplies and groceries, and look at cat videos?

 

Posted on by dominique 6

things you may not have known.

as inspired by lauren, girlfrmmars, and others.

  • from ages four until almost nine, i lived in backwoods florida, in a condo complex full of the elderly. they were my best friends, but i spent a lot of time by myself. i’m still excellent at amusing myself.
  • for as loud as i am, i have acquired a healthy dose of introversion over the past few years, and i absolutely love spending time alone.
  • before age 19, i did not eat eggs. before age 23, i did not eat avocados. before age 25-ish, i did not eat thai, indian, or sushi. i will forever mourn these years my tastebuds suffered – and ALL of these things are now things i eat frequently.
  • i was a party girl. while i am super smart and nerdy in a lot of ways (books! WoW!), i lovelovelove dancing with ferocity. for a few years in my early 20s, i hit the clubs every weekend, all weekend – and i adored every second. i’m pretty much over it, but i miss dancing all the time.
  • when i was 17, i started dating a man who was 36. we were together for nearly five years. scandal, yo.
  • i’ve had eating disordered patterns/thinking and body dysmorphia since age 5 (no worries, i have made huge strides on all fronts). when i think about the fact that it’s something i’ve dealt with for two decades, my mind is blown. it hugely affects the issues i feel passionately about, such as fat acceptance, body positivity, and health at every size.
  • during my three and a half years of college, i held five addresses. i held five more in my years before attending school. since graduating, i’m on number three. i’m used to moving and can pack my stuff in half a day. before i had furniture, i could fit everything in my hatchback ford probe. i don’t get tied to places – i don’t know how to.
  • i am not an animal person, nor am i particularly into babies, but i promise i am not cold and evil. SWEARSIES.
Posted on by dominique 10

maybe it’s been the heat holding me down.

this is a very old school style post for me – back in the day, i had xanga and a secret blogspot. i’m sorry if it’s not what you’ve come to expect, or enjoy. but it’s really all i’ve got at the moment. anything else feels way too false. also, it was written last week, and things are looking a bit up, so promise me you won’t worry. that’s not my goal.

i find myself staring at strangers, wanting to know all their secrets. it used to be a fetish of mine – i would play a tit for tat game of the exchange of information, i was desperate to understand how the pieces formed the whole. quid pro quo, doctor. i hardly thought of myself as a person so i gave up my facts readily but in a calculated sequence. i established trust, i targeted those who seemed neediest. i cared, but in a way i didn’t. it was a dark game. don’t worry, i haven’t done it in years. it was borne of an intellectual teenager’s angst, and if i’ve done nothing else, i’ve grown up.

and i think of how funny it is, that there are words that choke me when I’m talking to people who already love me, whom i already love (that’s a thing, i have no idea when to use who and whom. i apologize. i promise most of my grammar is very good). that i’ve never written the bouncer a love letter – it’s something i used to do but that part of me… i don’t know where it is or even if it still is. at all. i don’t, in many ways, recognize myself after the past seven years.

in most ways i write off my crazy as sort of a joke, just a quirky thing. it’s not, really, and i know that, but how else do you deal? i laugh loudly at the things that irk me, at how i can be so obsessive, but really i’m dealing with inexplicable body aches several days a week. i don’t know what to think they’re from besides constant worry. i tell people playfully about issues between the bouncer and i. no one really knows when i’m sobbing until 3am because of any one of several things that happened three years ago, that he’s apologized for over and over, that i can’t let go of. i say, i couldn’t sleep last night, but no one knows that i was standing at my open window at 1am, arms up on the sill, leaning, eyes drooping, wondering how the fuck i was going to deal with another day, exhausted.

well, now you all know. i promise, this isn’t a cry for help – i know there is help out there, i know how to get it. i know how this all sounds, but it’s not quite like that. i tell myself its not that bad. i just haven’t decided if that’s true or not.

believe me, i feel guilty. that i am not a ray of sunshine, that i don’t participate in the joyful beams of friendship that float around twitter and the internet – it’s just not me, but i swear, i’m not a black cloud. that i am just not as bright and shiny as everyone else. that i don’t cook the bouncer dinner so often anymore, or bake treats for him or my coworkers. i live with a lot of fear that you don’t like me, even if it seems like you do. i’m afraid that my side eyes, my waist size, my lack of religion, my layers, that they’re a thing that makes me hated. i wonder sometimes if the great majority of my social interactions are simply patronizing bullshit. i feel so guilty that i am me, and not a model of someone you’d like more.

it makes me sad and nervous to put this on the internet. my boss will probably read it, acquaintances that only know one face of me, people that might be shocked or uncomfortable. but if there’s anything we should all get used to, it’s that there’s always more than what you think to see. people are whole, and i like to believe that’s ok. and when all of the parts of a person maybe aren’t working together quite how they should, and they want to talk about it, maybe there shouldn’t be punishment for it. there’s precious little honesty out there – shouldn’t we treasure it?

i know this is scattered, rambly, and i wish it weren’t. i’m hoping fall brings me a new charge, a wave of refreshment somehow. i hope it has all just been the heat holding me down.

Posted on by dominique 7

why the “choose happiness” obsession makes me ragey.

i promised this post on twitter and i was shocked by how many people responded saying they’d like to hear my thoughts. i know several in my circle are fans of this idea, and i don’t begrudge anyone that. but try, for a second, to see it from another point of view.

three years ago, i was deeply sad. i was coming off the loss of two important friendships, and my romantic relationship was rocky and troubled. my visions of love and trust were shattered, and i thought the next step was accepting the cold wasteland that lay ahead, learning to live without any real connection ever. i practiced. i tried every day to disconnect further and further from anything that resembled warmth. i believed in my deepest heart that i’d come to the correct answer, finally, that this was how life was intended to be lived. i frequently fell into intense bouts of crying, lamenting, and just hurting. the bouncer would tell me over and over to try to be happy, to try to reach out to new friends, to have perspective. i fought him tooth and nail, insisting that these were my FEELINGS and i could not change them and how dare he invalidate them.

i learned after a while that i was wrong, and this is not a thing i say unless it’s really very true. i was, yes, so sad during that time, and with good reason. but i recognize, looking back, that i wallowed, on purpose, and i didn’t make any real effort to improve my situation. once i started trying a little, things got much better.

so, i understand the value of “choosing” happiness. i understand the value of logical perspective. i understand the futility of believing any circumstance or hurt is forever – the only constant is change. i understand that while you may not have direct control over all of your emotions, it’s good to try to steer them sometimes, and do-able. i do understand that you can play an active role in improving your mood, your circumstance, your life. that you are very often the one standing in your own way.

that said…

a phrase like “choose happiness” is glib. it makes it sound easy, and it’s not. often, it’s one of the hardest things to do. darkness can be so comfortable because when light shines brightly on you, you will be seen and for real, that’s scary as shit. it makes it sound as though when faced with something difficult, you can just “choose” happiness and the difficulty of the situation will just vanish. and just, no. this isn’t the way anything works.

and let’s talk for a second about feeling things that aren’t happiness…

i believe all emotions are valid. i believe we’re being taught to be chipper animatronic little robots all of the time, and i believe it’s bullshit. i believe when your best friend unceremoniously dumps you, when your boyfriend ignores you, when someone is out and out cruel to you, you should be sad about it. slapping on a grin and going for a drink under the guise of choosing happiness is a destructive and ultimately ineffective answer, because i promise you, your unresolved shit is coming back to bite you. i believe the choice of happiness as a panacea for the “problem” of feeling anything negative is troublesome and problematic. we have a spectrum of emotions for a reason – we’re supposed to use them.

and then, maybe most importantly, we’re brought to the times when there is no choice…

i believe there is a significant portion of the population that suffers from valid and varied levels of psychiatric illness, and it’s probably more than you think it is. even if you swear it isn’t the case, i promise you that every day, you encounter someone who had a legitimately difficult time leaving bed, or will be choked and crumbled from panic at some point in the day, or fought a self destructive urge. it is hard to be a human, guys. for all of the beauty we are given in this world we are also given terror. remember what I said last week? we are beings working in shadow and light, always. sometimes, the shadow is stronger.

i have a history of depression and anxiety and probably other things that i’ve never figured out. i have had traumatic shit happen, and because i know that i am not a special snowflake, i bet you have too. i promise you that when i am reeling, it isn’t because i just haven’t chosen happiness hard enough that day. the very best I can do on some of these days is leave bed. believe me, i feel guilty enough about my occasional inability to participate in the world – telling me to choose happiness is a slap in the face. it won’t do anything anf furthermore, it shows a complete lack of sympathy, or even an effort towards sympathy

sometimes, no, it’s not a choice.

i get it, the idea behind it, i do. finding joy is about a search and a conscious effort. sadness can be so easy, and escaping it requires bravery, requires a concrete decision. you’re in charge of your life, you’re in the driver’s seat and you’ve got to act it. perspective is valuable. all of that acknowledged, a phrase like “choose happiness” is overly simplistic, and to me, offensive on several levels.

Posted on by dominique 19

spaces

i have memorialized it beyond any use it will ever have. don’t think i don’t realize that.

i speak in those extremes so frequently. i catch myself tip tapping out my familiar turns of phrase and i think, “again? we are not done with this?”

some days you are reminded of vile, vicious bits of your past, some days you are reminded of your capacity for hate, for rage, for an anger so pure you frighten yourself, the things you can imagine saying, doing. some days, sometimes the same ones, you’re reminded of how tender things could be. you cock your head as you gaze upon someone’s words and you say, “yes. you remind me of him. i know what you’re made of, because i knew him once.” you remember that these things, these times, they’re ghosts. ghosts.

some days you are reminded that you are loved. that people carry warm feelings for you. that you have friends. i was never one to go to the extremes of thinking no one would care if i died, but for a long time i did truly believe that no one would care if i left. if i packed everything and went far away, dropped off the face of new york and the internet and all of the places where i’m known. some days i’m reminded that that’s not really true.

i wince, when you all have noticed that things have not been easy for me this summer. i don’t have good reason. everything is chugging along as it should, there are no traumas, there are no catastrophes. there is a constant and unyielding pressure to be happy, upbeat, positive, smiley, in every moment, to be taking advantage of all this wide life has to offer. sometimes, the things this life has to offer are a tidal wave and you are left sputtering. sometimes, there are no reasons for why things feel hard. they just do. it’s a thing that varies.

i wished today to erase memories, bygone eras, people who left, people i expelled. i always say i am a girl who has no regrets, and i truly don’t because i know, in most times, i was doing the best i could. i know there is no utility to a regret. there are times where i can see there was a better decision, but very infrequently have i completely thrown caution to the wind and acted with no mindfulness of what was a good decision (though when i do, i do it spectacularly, i’ll tell you).

it’s all gone, it’s all wisps, and life is so very different now. the marks made though – as kim told me today, sometimes you can’t help but touch the scar.

Posted on by dominique 4

twenty seven.

today is my twenty seventh birthday. i fancied doing a nice little list of things i have learned, but thinking up 27, that feels forced. here’s something i wrote last week, about something, just one thing, i am learning right now.

i’m sitting here and i’m struck by the thought that this is good.

right now, the dishwasher is buzzing, there is a pie in the oven, i’ve cleaned (most of) the flour off of me and off of my pathetic eighteen inches of counterspace. the sheets are off the bed, waiting for fresh ones, the dog is plopped in the bedroom doorway. he is playing games. i’ve got things to do but i’m not feeling the lead bib of overwhelm and anxiety that usually comes with my all of the time to do list.

i spoke recently of how i’m excited for fall, the greenmarket, hot chai, boots. and i have this terrible habit of creating these twee precious little moments in my head, moments that i am dead convinced everyone else is having all of the time (because i can tell these things, of course, by looking at you. i am the magic wonder that has a laser beam insight directly into your brain). and i get to the place that i’ve created, the circumstances i’ve orchestrated so that just now, for this one second or thirty or sixty if i am lucky, i will feel perfect and everything will be wonderful. i will finally be like everybody else, with my moments.

and it never happens. ever. i get to my moments and i’m inevitably let down because the dog is whining or the bouncer is grumpy or what i’m eating is not the mouthgasm i expected it to be or i have cramps or something. it’s always something. and you’re going to say, dominique, you are being negative and you just need to have some perspective. surely you’re having a good time. surely you can’t be so consumed by these small things that go awry.

and i say, firstly, that perspective is valuable but i think it’s become a kind of panacea to assist us in the pursuit of never feeling anything and never being real actual humans made of flesh. we are meant to feel an entire spectrum, and using perspective as a reason to be happy in every moment is stupid. but i then say that you’ve got a point. because perhaps if i were not so stricken with the idea of creating these sparkling moments of joy, if i did not build up that expectation in my head, i would just enjoy what’s around me, and i would be so very happy when i stumbled upon one of these moments. because that is all, really, you can ever expect.

nothing is ever perfect. nothing, anywhere, in the world, is ever what i would term perfect. we are complex miracles and the world we’ve been given and the world we’ve built are intertwined systems of wonder, but nothing, nowhere, is perfect. we are shadow and light working in harmony, always.

so this is good, right now, and later might be not so good, or it might be better, or it might absolutely suck. but regardless of that, this, right here, is good. it’s not a moment i’ve built or created – it just happened.

i have a couple of birthday plans this weekend, mostly small things with the bouncer, but things we will enjoy. and i am very purposefully not creating any moments in my head. they will happen as they will, and they will be so lovely when they do.

Posted on by dominique 4